My my... I finally manage to pull up my gpa to? 3.22. 0.01 more. Wow. After all that hard work and heart break. Sigh... So. Does this mean that I'm improving? I hope so... Cross my fingers and pray reeeeaaaaalllyy hard next term will be better. I'll work myself to the bone (or as close as I dare come to it) to push it up. I think I'm just glad that it didn't go down again. Should I have expected more?

Work is killing my brain cells. Somehow I just feel that there's nothing to learn here, except conscientiousness. And a lot of staring at the computer screen. Looks like I have to look elsewhere for what I want to learn.

I just wonder, has Indonesia gotten what it wants through the sand export ban on Singapore? It seems like it has. After weeks of a sand ban and rising prices of sand in Singapore, and now a prospective granite ban, Singapore and Indonesia are now signing the extradition treaty that Indonesia wanted all along, after only 2 days and 1 night of intense negotiations. At least, that's what I gather from reading the news and hearing people talk.

Not too long ago during the ban, I saw a column in The Straits Times about the sand ban to Singapore which ended with Singapore being a puny country with sand kicked in its eyes. It was very hard to figure out what I felt then. An insecurity perhaps, that the country that I'm living in might not be able to survive. But doesn't everyone feel that way? With the exception of the giant countries perhaps.

I sometimes wonder if maybe I should migrate to somewhere with more land, with a different, less workaholic culture. Then again, in this globalised world, workaholicism is the only way forward, it seems. Of course, everyone claims that you have to have a balanced life, but as long as you can produce fantastic results without going stir-crazy it seems ok if you don't have a life.

Ah well. Hanging computer gotta go.

Finally, I can relax, relieved. 2 weeks of worry has finally come to an end. After my presentation for GIS, which didn't go as badly as I thought, I feel like I can finally sleep at night. Now, I only have to worry about my exams! Yay!

I sincerely hope that my grades aren't too terrible this term. Somehow it seems that whenever I aim for A, by the end of the term I can only hope for at least a B. -_-||

I have serious doubts about whether I'll ever get my internship appraisal. It's been almost a year since I started my internship and 8 months since I completed it. I have yet to receive my appraisal. If OCS demands that we receive a complete appraisal from our employers as proof of completion, does this mean that there is no evidence that I ever worked at C&W? Bloody hell.

When Dush first asked me to email Sati, our previous boss, I thought that he was being overly anxious. Now I fully understand his frustration. It's like throwing paper at a brick wall in order to knock it down. All the evasive excuses to avoid completing the 1 page appraisal is truly amazing. The variety! The sheer persistence of evasiveness! Is she trying to avoid telling the school that our performance was crap? But she said in her email to me that it was good and that we'd helped out a lot! Maybe she's still sore that we couldn't complete the project that we set out to do?

Look like being rude didn't work, and neither did being polite and nice. Actually, when I was working there it truly seemed that it is nearly impossible to get anyone to do anything without a certain mix of coercion and enticement. Almost as if there's no sense of responsibility at all. Truly, the only thought that flashed through my mind when I read her reply of evasiveness is KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL

Mood's good today. Music blasting in my ears has a way of making me perk up when I'm bored. I think I should be more busy than this. Somehow. And yet I find myself just spending time on the laptop doing useless stuff like downloading manga and surfing the net. Very bad.

Anyhow, I have an MA test next Wed. I'm not so worried about it as erm... worried about finding time to revise. It's so hard to get myself to work nowadays. I estimate that I can spend like half my day playing but only 3 hours max? studying alone. And because I felt so bored facing my laptop alone and the Internet and all my work, I've started chatting. With a vengeance. I have one conversation window on most of the time.

I think looking forward is best for me. I shouldn't look back and wonder what it would have been like if I'd done this or that. Hanging out with the dance club ppl sometimes makes me do that, which isn't too good really. I think I should recognise that I've made certain choices that have closed off certain paths to me. And in walking down the path that I've chosen, there are only certain things that I can do. I shouldn't belittle these things that I have just because I hanker after something else.

But that's one thing that I learn when I look at these year 1s who set up the club, it's that it's very hard to summon up the energy to do something great when you don't have a dream. I feel like throughout my life, even now, I've always known what I have to do, but not had any particular dream.

Anything that sounds too preposterous I simply push out of my mind. But the options that are left to me don't light that fire within me either. So what can I do? Do I just go through life, doing the things that should be done, doing what is expected of me? When I think of such things, I just want to run away from all that I have and go search for that something that I would live for. But is that a childish wish? Or an impractical thought?

There are times when I feel like only my piano can express how I feel (however badly I play) and at other times, I feel that even my piano isn't enough.

I feel like I've made a huge mistake and wasted more than $100. After all that money, I'm told that my face cannot take 'ordinary makeup' and I should use non-comedogenic makeup. Like ettusais. Which in total costs $180. She says that I can choose not to keep it. That she'll use it. I just have to return it after using it tomorrow.

I don't know what to do. I feel so confused right now. On the one hand, I want to use what's good for my skin. On the other, the pain of throwing away $100 worth of purchases WITHOUT EVEN USING IT is killing me. Seriously, I feel like smashing something now.

Dance practice was a disaster for me. So many things out of place, so many mishaps. I tripped and nearly fell on my face today. And Mummy kept calling me just before we were going to start another rehearsal. I don't know what's wrong with me but my feelings are just running all over the place. I hate feeling like this. Like I'm not in control. I feel so weak.

Somehow it's just so annoying. On the one hand, I keep wishing that someone would extend a helping hand to me. On the other, I feel like if I accept that helping hand, I lose something. Like I lose a chance to make myself stronger or something. Accepting others' help seems so punishing somehow. Especially help from Mummy. I always feel like accepting her help comes at some great cost. And I hate feeling that way. Am I an idiot?